YOU KNOW YOU'RE A RUNNER WHEN. . .
As many of the Pine Belt Pacers are so devoted to engage in training religiously and so hard, I know you will appreciate the following information on a Christmas gift a "very active" friend of mine received last December. Here is his exercise diary....
For Christmas last year my wife purchased me a week of private lessons at the local YMCA health club. Though still in great shape from when I was on the varsity chess team in high school, I decided it was a good idea to go ahead and try it. I called and made reservations with someone named Christy, who said she is a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and athletic clothing model. My wife seemed very pleased with how enthusiastic I was to get started.
They suggest I keep this "exercise diary" to chart my progress this week. Started the morning at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get up, but worth it when I arrived at the YMCA and Christy was waiting for me. She's something of a goddess, with blond hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed me the machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I think just standing next to her in that outfit of hers added about ten points. Enjoyed watching the aerobics class. Christy was very encouraging as I did my sit ups, though my gut was already aching a little from holding it in the whole time I was talking to her. This is going to be GREAT!
Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I made it. Christy had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the air. Then she put weights on it, for heaven's sake! Legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made it the full mile. Her smile made it all worth it. Muscles all feel GREAT!
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the tooth brush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I am certain that I have developed a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to steer. I parked on top of a Volkswagen. Christy was a little impatient with me and said my screaming was bothering the other club members. The treadmill hurt my chest so I did the stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by the invention of elevators? Christy told me regular exercise would make me live longer. I can't imagine anything worse.
Christy was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a full snarl. I can't help it if I was half an hour late, it took me that long just to tie my shoes. She wanted me to lift dumbbells. Not a chance, Christy. The word "dumb" must be in there for a reason. I hid in the men's room until she sent Andy looking for me. As punishment she made me try the rowing machine. It sank.
I hate Christy more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. If there was any part of my body not in extreme pain I would hit her with it. She thought it would be a good idea to work on my triceps. Well, I have news for you Christy, I don't have triceps. And if you don't want dents in the floor don't hand me any barbells. I refuse to accept responsibility for the damage, you went to sadist school, you are to blame. The treadmill flung me back into a science teacher, which hurt like crazy. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like a music teacher, or social studies?
Got Christy's message on my answering machine, wondering where I am. I lacked the strength to use the TV remote so I watched eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
Well, that's the week. Thank goodness that's over. Maybe next time my wife will give me something a little more fun, like free teeth drilling at the dentist's or a free upper-colon exam.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Bathroom Scale Tricks
Some Pine Belt Pacers worry too much about exercising and weight loss!! Don't worry so much about what the scale may show every day. Here are some quick tricks for you to feel better if you haven't put in enough miles and slacked off on your training too much. They work great!
1. Weigh yourself fully clothed after dinner and again the next morning without clothes and before breakfast, because it's nice to see how much weight you've lost overnight.
2. Never weigh yourself with wet hair.
3. When weighing, remove everything, including eyeglasses. In this case, blurred vision is an asset. Don't forget to remove jewelry, as it could weigh as much as a pound!
4. Buy only cheap scales, never the medical kind. Accuracy is the enemy and high quality scales are very accurate.
5. Always go to the bathroom first.
6. Weigh yourself after a haircut; this is good for up to half a pound of hair (hopefully).
7. Exhale with all your might before stepping onto the scale. (Air has weight, right?)
8. Start out with just one foot on the scale, then holding onto a towel rod slowly edge your other foot onto the scale while slowly releasing the towel rod. Admittedly, this takes time, but it's worth it. You will weigh at least two pounds less than if you'd stepped onto the scale normally.
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The Joy of Jogging
A man was out jogging in the forest one day when a frog called out to him and said,
"If you kiss me I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said,
"If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero."
The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said,
"If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want."
Again the man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.
Finally the frog asked,
"What's the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The man replied,
"Look, I'm a marathoner. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."
25 things you should have learned by now: